Is marriage education really useful for modern couples?

Perth relationship coach Nicole Koelewijn. Photo: Sarah Sosnowski

Many experts agree that the best time to work on your relationship is when things are going well, to help iron out any potential conflicts before they arise. That’s one of the many reasons marriage education services exist - so you know what you’re getting into, and can confidently say “I Do” with no doubts or regrets.

But marriage education, relationship coaching or counselling isn’t just for couples who haven’t tied the knot yet. Every couple, at every stage of life, can benefit from talking it out with a neutral third party who can offer a professional perspective.

As a civil celebrant, the services and professionals I recommend are not religion-based. One who features highly in my list is Nicole Koelewijn, a relationship coach based in Perth. She’s not only a great coach, she’s a fascinating lady, with a background in law, and some great insights to share!

What inspired the transition from law to relationship coaching?

After I had my first baby I thought, if I’m going to be spending time away from him, I want be doing something I’m genuinely passionate about. Something more aligned with my strengths and what I value in life. For me, my personal relationships have always been a great source of joy, stability and growth (both in the good times and harder moments!). I feel that if these core relationships are attended to, I can handle anything else life throws my way.

Perhaps because of this, I’ve always been really interested in the psychology behind social interactions. This led me to move into the mediation and coaching space within the workforce. After learning so much here, I found the idea of taking the techniques from these two disciplines and applying them in a proactive way to our important personal relationships really powerful and exciting. So, here we are!

The Australian Government recommends marriage education for every marrying couple through its Happily Ever Before and After brochure. As a coach, do you see a benefit in doing some relationship work prior to marriage?

Absolutely! I think it’s so valuable to consciously look at your relationship when things are going well so you can explore what you want for your life together from a creative and expansive place. The lead up to the wedding is obviously a time when you are thinking about yourselves as a couple more than perhaps any other time in your relationship. Therefore, it’s a great time to take some of this mental space and direct it in a proactive way to really think about what kind of partnership you want to create together.

Later in your relationship journey, you may seek coaching or counselling when you hit a rough patch and I think being able to refer back to your hopes and vision for your relationship when times were sunnier is so important.

What are some of the common issues that you see arise in relationships?

The biggest one I would say is people getting stuck communicating from a place of positions. A position is something fixed and directive such as “I want you home from work by 6pm”. It’s very hard to negotiate or communicate with positions and typically this is where arguments escalate or one or both people shut down. If people can shift to talking about the underlying interests and motivations behind the positions, it’s a real game changer to open up meaningful communication. If you get proficient at this, you can probably find more creative, win-win solutions to any issues that might pop up, while also getting a deeper insight into your partner and yourself too.

Another common issue I see is people not realising it takes conscious effort to maintain your relationship and then catastrophising when they hit a road bump. Just like other areas of your life such as your career and health, we need to put in some time and effort to construct what we want to get out of our relationships. We can easily default to thinking that it should all be sunflowers and daisies and if it’s not then there must be something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. I think there’s great value in understanding that relationships do go up and down, have different phases, evolve over time and that you have a lot of influence over your experience of this.

These are both things we talk about in the Pre-Marriage Coaching Series!

OK, so the enquiry has been made... what happens next for a couple? What does the process look like?

Nicole and her husband on their wedding day. Photo: Zach Taylor Photography

I’ll get in touch and we can find a time to do the sessions! Typically I’d recommend doing the four sessions within a three to six month period in the lead up to your wedding. Of course, you can do some after the wedding if you find you need to.

We explore the following areas together in the sessions:

1. Your inner worlds - your individual values and internal motivators

2. How you like to connect and what commitment means for you as a couple

3. Your default communication and conflict styles

4. Your dreams and adventures jointly and as individuals

Between sessions, you’ll receive a workbook which you can use to keep track of any insights and use to do some further reflection between sessions. The workbooks also have some great check in exercises you can do with each other later down the track too when you feel it’s helpful (eg. at your one year wedding anniversary).

Would you approach relationship coaching differently with a couple who is already married?

I think it’s valuable to reflect on the topics we discuss in the Pre-Marriage Coaching Series at any point in your relationship. In fact, I think revisiting these as your relationship evolves is essential to staying in touch with each other and growing together.

If you’re already married and wish to do this coaching series, we would go through the same process of exploration and have the extra benefit of being able to draw on your experience of married life together so far!

Sometimes, one partner is reluctant to invest in counselling or relationship coaching. How would you approach that working with only one half of a couple?

One of the benefits of the Pre-Marriage Coaching Series is that you are going through the exercises together and so are witnessing each other go through the reflection process. At the same time, it’s awesome to get these insights into yourself around these topics which you can then use to open up a dialogue on these with your partner.

If one half of the couple wanted to do the series, we would follow the same structure while incorporating some coaching around how to share your insights with your partner and how you could meet them where they’re at in terms of readiness to delve into some of these questions.

What are some of the misconceptions around relationship coaching?

I think most people think relationship coaching and counselling is something you would only draw upon when things are going wrong. Coaching supports people to proactively work towards goals, come up with creative solutions and reach their full potential in whatever area of life it’s applied to. If you reflect on your values in life and your relationship is high on the list, then following through and living according to this by prioritising it can help you live in greater alignment with what you want out of life. Whether that’s by doing an exercise such as this coaching series or doing smaller things like booking in and sticking to a regular date night.

With any kind of relationship work there may some stigma around reaching out for help. It’s an old fashioned legacy that doesn’t serve us. We have career mentors and actively take courses to improve our vocational skills. Why wouldn’t we draw on help from others to actively improve this aspect of our life? I personally think it shows a great deal of strength and love within a relationship to invest in your relationship this way.

Tell me about the ideal couple you love to work with.

I love working with couples who are curious, have a growth mindset and approach the coaching series as a fun opportunity to learn more about themselves and their partner.

A lot of engaged couples obviously love each other and want to take the next step into marriage but there’s a lot happening in the lead up to a wedding and it’s easy to fall out of connection with your partner amongst all the planning and potential stress. People can get a bit fixated on the details of the wedding day itself, feel stressed around managing family members or feel overwhelmed by what it means to get married. I love to work with people who want to put the focus back on what the wedding is all about, them as a couple, so they can feel connected and aligned on the wedding day itself and take this forward into their marriage.

To get in touch with Nicole, make an enquiry via her website or follow her on Instagram.